12.01001: What is bereavement? I have no clue what bereavement is?

The three terms commonly used…interchangeable are grief, mourning and bereavement. However, they ARE different.

12.01002: Is it healthy to suppress your feelings of sadness after a person dies?

No, this can lead to long term distress which can lead to physical and mental health problems. Suppressing your feelings can sabotage your efforts to accept the loss and to return to a normal life.

12.010021: Is denial an OK way to deal with a loved one's death...i.e., head of household being strong for his/her family?

According to the National Center for PTSD website, denial is one of many different stages of the grieving process. It stated that the health professionals are familiar with these different stages of the grieving process. Among denial, initial shock, anger, sadness, guilt, and loneliness all fall under the category of these different stages in the grieving process. So, according to this website, I was under the impression that denial is a very natural occurring stage in losing a loved one.

http://www.ncptsd.org/publications/cq/v5/n2-3/cummock.html

No, denial is not an ok way to deal with a loved one's death. It will tend to push a family farther a part than closer if people just refuse to accept that their loved one has passed away. Some negative consequences are : Delusional thinking, leading to a feeling that everything is OK, even when it is not. Greater conflict between the deniers and the non-deniers. Fantasy or magical thinking, allowing distorted thinking to become a habit. Poor problem-solving and decision-making abilities for the denier. The denier totally avoiding or withdrawing from everyone who knows of the loss or problem. The denier becoming a social recluse. Others avoiding the denier to avoid upsetting him with their concern, questions, or reassurance. Frustration for those who want to help the denier. A maladaptive pattern of coping with the loss or problem for the denier. Everyone involved in the life of the denier joining the denial; the problem is not confronted honestly by those who can do something about it. Resentment by the denier of those who are confronting him about the problems or loss. Prolonging the time before the denier must confront the pain, hurt, and suffering involved in the loss or problem. The denier projecting the problem or the results of the loss onto others. The denier's use of rationalization to explain away the problem or loss. Exacerbation of the very problems being denied.

Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D., of Tampa Bay, Florida. Website: http://www.coping.org/grief/denial.htm#negative

12.010022: Why might a family who has lost a father/husband NOT talk about it all even between themselves?

Losing a parent/spouse is one of main parts of the family, and can be one of the main sources of income, which can detrimental to the family as a whole. If there are children involved its harder for the mother to work and take care of the children. Talking about it can make it harder and make the grief/mourning longer. It is also not healthy for the children to hang on to a lost loved one. Death of a father should be a topic that should better be discussed once and left to each to overcome by themselves.

Elizibeth Emerson Close family member who recently had a death in the family.

12.01003: How do you help people feel more comfortable talking to you about a death? (Help them show their sympathy for others…if someone wants to talk to them about death)? 

1. encourage clients to talk about their loss, both with you and supportive others. 2. understanding that many negative feelings may surface when a person is struggling to cope with a crisis. 3. convey verbally and nonverbally that you are willing to talk about any concerns of the person 4. do not discourage crying. people should be encouraged to try as they feel the need. crying releases tension that is part of grieving. 5. answer questions as honestly as you can.

Understanding Generalist Practice,
Karen K. Kirst-Ashman & Grafton H. Hull Jr.

12.01004: For mother’s who have miscarriages, is the grieving process different? 

In a miscarriage, there are often phases to the grieving process. Having an early miscarriage, there is an identifiable fetus that could leave the women wondering what exactly happened. In late miscarriage, normally after 14 weeks, this stage is very physically and emotionally stressful. After a later miscarriage, some hospitals take a photograph, which is kept with the mother’s notes. She may decide if she would like to keep it or not.

The emotions of a miscarriage are very similar to that of a different death. It has no timescale and the couple can have a difficult time on the anniversary of the baby’s due date or death. But this experience can be difficult for other to share. People around the women or couple may not fully understand and sometimes offer phrases such as "never mind, you can always try again or you can have more children."

The following are ways that the women or couple can remember the baby.

1. Give your baby a name.

2. Organize a memorial service.

12.010041: A friend of mine from back home just had a miscarriage of nine months.  If I see her and her husband soon, should I say anything?  What do I say?

If you are really close to the person, yes, say sorry. But unless you are like family or something don't really say much. Just let them know you are there and care if they need anything. Everyone takes miscarriages differently. But if you do say something. Make sure you watch what you say. Don't say something like "It's ok, there will always be more" Because you never know..there may not. And that's not something they want to be hearing right now. The situation is more of a personal thing, and the less that is said the better.

Mother, whom had a miscarriage

12.01005: For women who have an abortion, is the grieving process different?

Relief You may have experienced a sense of relief following your abortion. For awhile you felt your problems were over. 2. Denial and Rationalization “It was something I had to do.” “It was just a blob of tissue.” “It was legal, so it’s okay.” These are commonly heard statements. Denial of truth robs you of the opportunity to be healed through grieving. 3. Realization and Shock The understanding of what abortion really is follows and can be overwhelming. You may realize that you killed your baby. With this knowledge, you may slip back into the denial stage telling yourself that it was something you had to do; or you then move into the most painful part of the grieving process. 4. Anger and Depression The full force of the abortion has hit. You feel angry, betrayed, grief stricken, or depressed. Thoughts of suicide may nudge you. Life seems almost hopeless at times. Unexplainable rage, guilt, remorse, or self-hatred overwhelm you. You may suffer from insomnia, nightmares and flashbacks. Maybe you drink, take drugs, or indulge in casual sex hoping to fill the emptiness inside and stop the hurting. You think about your baby now and wish you could undo your abortion. All these feelings are normal. Now is the time to seek God and counsel from an understanding minister, counselor, or friend. 5. Acceptance and Surrender For your healing to be complete you must seek and accept forgiveness for yourself. With God’s help forgive others. Daily you need to surrender your anger, bitterness and self-hatred to Christ. Hanging on to them will destroy you. You will always remember the child you never knew here on earth. The memory is not wiped away with the healing—only the tears.

www.ashcofriendsforlife.com/grieving_process.htm

12.01006: If you feel a friend is having problems with grieving, what are some of the things that a person can do or you can inform him/her to help them? 

Here are some tips on how you can support a friend who lost a loved one.

• Educate yourself about what your grieving friend is going through Read books, look on the internet, or talk with others about the situation.

• It is important to acknowledge the death that has occurred and the impact this had had on your friend. Be willing to talk with them and express interest in your friend’s feelings. Make sure to be trustworthy with confidences. One thing not to do is give advice. Your friend needs you to be there for him/her and listen.

• Help in small ways.

• Be willing to admit your helplessness in the situation.

• Try not to take rejection personally.

• Your friendship will probably change as your friend is grieving. Some friendships will deepen while others will drift apart.

http://www.alexandrakennedy.com/articles/
larticle4.html

12.01007: How do you, after a very close person (relative, grandpa) was close to death and dies, do you pick up again with your life after the final death? Or is it an individual personal decision when to "get back to normal again with your life?" 

The best thing to do is to get help with going through the grieving process. This process is different for each individual and each situation. A person who has gone throough the grieving process and reached the point in their life where they can accept the loss of their loved one, then one can return to a "normal" life. Remembering that life will never be the same after one has suffered the loss of a loved one.

Death,dying and the human experience.

12.01008: Do those who are survivors of a dead person without religious beliefs cope with death any better or worse?

12.01009: I have heard people who do counseling, teaching, funeral directing, etc. in death,… when they lose a family member or someone else close they are almost immune to it. Some supposedly don’t know how to act, or don’t show emotion due to the repetitiveness of death. Is this true? Have any studies been done?

There are some different ways to describe "comfortableness" with death as a concept. Death attitude may best be defined as a feeling or emotion toward death. Some Attitude scales to measure this ‘feeling’ do exist, however, many researchers focus on Death Anxiety and use a scale to measure this. Extending Websters Dictionary definition of anxiety, death anxiety might best be defined as an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (such as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of death, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it. From Keith, "Feelings of Deprivation, Death Anxiety, and depressive Symptoms Among Funeral Directors", Death Anxiety of funeral directors did not differ significantly from others. This appears to be true regardless of how much death education, age of funeral director, income size of business, number of cases personally attended, or hours per week spent working with bereaved persons. Whether or not this holds true for clergy, counselors, etc. was not tested. Furthermore, funeral directors did not have fewer depressive symptoms than others regardless of which of the variables above were looked at, i.e., age, income, etc. EXCEPT for Death Education. Amount of death education was correlated with lower depressive symptoms.

It would be interesting to do a Death Attitude Scale Analysis of funeral directors and others.

12.01010: Which is generally harder for families to deal with: tragic, sudden death…or long, drawn out death, i.e., terminal illness or, put another way, are there any studies showing the differences of the grieving process when the death is sudden or preconceived?

It does appear as though the length of time, difficult in coping, etc. may be important, the type/quality of support may appear to play the dominant role. What can be do to assure that we ‘will be there’ for others as they pass through the bereavement process???

12.01011: What is the average grieving period?

Grieving is a normal reaction to the loss of a relationship whether it was a healthy one or not. Allow yourself the time to grieve. Know that each person’s grieving period will be different. If you continue grieving beyond a period comfortable for you, you should seek help from a local domestic violence center in your area.

After a normal, healthy period of grieving and adjusting, begin a plan for recovery.

Remember, grief is a process.. .recovery is a choice!

http://www.actabuse.com/grief.html

Other possible solutions to help the grieving process are that:

 Natural process, but being aware of the process and being intentional about following the process will aid the healing process;

Mourn, being sad helps the soul to heal loss;

Adjust to the hole in your life, i.e.,fill time;make new friends;learn new skills; andstart new activities;

Stages of grieving: shock, denial, anger, acceptance (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross);

Rule of thumb: if you have known a person less than a year the grieving period is equivalent for the length of time you knew him or her, if you have known a person longer it will take roughly a year to work through your grief;

 The intensity of the grief is related to the intensity of the relationship

Religious “feelings” tend to disappear during intense grief, in the absence of feeling you must trust Jesus is with you.

http://www.norlink.net/~ststephenang/Articles/Grieving.html

12.01012: Does age have any effect on the length of bereavement?

Before examining this question, I would have thought that adults, especially the elderly, would experience the greatest length of bereavement. However, Cross Creek Family Center had this to say: Unlike adults, bereaved children do not experience continual and intense emotional and behavioral grief (bereavement) reactions. Children may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly, but in reality a child's grief usually lasts longer than that of an adult. Mourning in children may need to be addressed again and again as the child gets older. As the surviving child grows, he or she will think about the loss repeatedly, especially during important times in his or her life, such as going to camp, graduating from school, getting married, or giving birth to his or her own children. This longer period of grief is due to the fact that the child's ability to experience intense emotions is limited.

Cross Creek Family Center website: http://www.crosscreekcounseling.com/bereavement.html

12.01013: Is it necessary for people to see the body of a loved one in order to heal or grieve properly?

People deal with death in different ways. Although it is proven for most, that viewing the body helps a person grieve easier, It is not necessary for them to see the body but may make the grieving process easier to deal with.All people have different time lines in which they greive after a lost loved one. They may except the death rather quickly or it may take some more time. It depends on the person when it comes to dealing with death.

www.dodge/eco.com/articles/value.html

12.01014: What is the most unique process of bereavement a person has gone through that you know of? Any extreme cases... just wondering? 

Navajo indians are allowed 4 days to grieve and then return to life as it was.

Death, Society and Human Experience

12.01015: What makes suicide bereavement different from other bereavements?

Loss of loved ones in this case have the survivors feeling responsible for not intervening to stop the suicide…they may even feel that their inaction encouraged the suicide.

12.01016: In my experience both personally and in working with many others who are grieving, the idea that normal grieving takes 8 months to a year is a fallacy and many of the books I have read seem to agree that that time frame is not realistic. I am wondering why you gave the 8 month figure. I think it sets people up with unrealistic expectations of themselves or others who are grieving? 

Click Here to Open Bereavement Graph

12.01017: Is depression a part or stage of death?..if yes, where does it lie?

After going through the bargaining stage, the dying individual or family members usually enters a depression. This is the beginning of realization that death will occur. If the person is going through an extended illness, the realization comes after symptoms worsen and a sense of great loss occurs. Patients in this stage are usually weaker and unable to perform even the simplest of tasks. Dr. Kubler Ross stated the there were two types of depression: reactionary and preparatory. Reactionary depression occurs because there are additional losses of: finances, job, independence, family role, and intimacy. Preparatory depression is related to the impeding loss, the death of the individual. Not only is the person depressed because of the impeding death but often they question their significance in life.

How to help people in this stage!

The first reaction that caregivers generally have toward this stage is to sheer the depressed individual up and encourage them to look at the bright side of things. This may work somewhat for reactionary depression. However, preparatory depression is more complex. A grieving person will find more comfort in expressing him or herself. Often this just means sitting with that person and listening. This stage of grief tends to be a quiet one, and sometimes all someone needs is your presence. Take the time to tell the dying person what they have meant to your life. Encourage others to recall the dying individual's qualities.

http://dying.about.com/library/weekly/aa08199/htm

12.01018: Is the use of alcohol an effective way to help a person cope with the bereavement?

The chronic use of alcohol or other drugs often leads to mood swings, personal problems, and depression. Using alcohol or other drugs to improve your mood is especially risky because addictive substances often intensify pre-existing mood or personality problems. Even prescribed medications may lead to severe depression.

www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/treatment/therapy/article_overcoming_depression.asp

12.01019: How does "watching" someone die affect the grief process…does it usually extend it? (…in comparison to finding a person dead, or seeing them alive…then dead!).

“When Death is anticipated, both the patient and their loved ones may experience a normal form of grief. It is called anticipatory grief, and is similar to the process of grief following a loss” (Santa Barbra Web site).The people watching someone die actually have some advantages compared to just finding a person dead. They have the chance to absorb the reality of the loss over a period of time and are able to say goodbye and complete unfinished business; they also are able to experience a gradual withdrawal of emotions invested in the dying person (Santa Barbra Web site). This in turn may actually shorten the grieving process, but every person is different in how they deal with a loss.

Experiencing Grief and Loss. Retrieved November 30, 2006, from Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care of Santa Barbra Web site: http://citationmachine.net/index.php?source=39#here

12.01020: Is there a significant difference in attitudes about death between someone who has lost a parent prior to ever really knowing them, compared to a person who has lost a parent in which they were very close with?

12.01021: Is it normal to feel worse for a loved one who was left behind rather than the deceased?

It is definitely normal to feel worse for a loved one who was left behind. I found an article on the grieving process and it states that " When a friend or relative suffers from a stroke or loses a parent or child, we are reminded of our vulnerability and may become frightened that we could easily be in the same situation." This may not be the only reason you feel so badly for the loved one left behind, but it puts some insight and gives you another perspective of the situation. There are many forms of loss, and though they are all devestating, they are in fact a part of life. Knowing that death is something we will all go through, it is hard seeing someone dealing with the emotions on a daily basis... sometimes harder to deal with than the actual death of their loved one. This question is just asking whether or not is it okay to feel compassion for another, and i believe it is okay... and sometimes helpful.

www.findarticles.com

(A Journal Article by Mary Lou Chapel and Susan Mathieu on "Loss and the Grieving Process")

12.010211: One of my good friends died about a week ago.  I didn't go to the funeral. I don't know if I was in denial or what but now I feel guilty that I didn't go.  Is this normal at all?  I guess maybe I just didn't want to believe she died.

Grief is a natural, normal response to loss. Although grieving the death of someone is a normal reaction, at times grief can feel enormously painful, overwhelming, and exhausting. Beginning to understand your grieving experience, and taking gradual steps to address your pain and loss, can be important and integral components of recovering from your grief. I. Stages of Grief Within the first few weeks to months after a death, you may find yourself riding on a roller coaster of shifting emotions. Most people go through these stages not in linear steps, but in unpredictable waves-- moving through one stage to the next and sometimes shifting back. Some people will also experience certain phases but not others. Here are several common, typical grief reactions: SHOCK/DISBELIEF This is the numbing, disorienting sense that the death has not really happened, not really occurred. This reaction can be intensified and complicated if the death is sudden, violent, or unanticipated. Your mind may be telling you "there must be some mistake," or "this can't be true." These symptoms typically last from several hours to several days. ANGER Your anger may be targeted at a number of sources. You may feel waves of anger at the doctors who treated your loved one, anger at your family members for not rallying together, anger at God over what seems senseless or unjust, even anger at yourself or the person who died and "left" you. GUILT You may blame yourself for not doing more, not being there enough, or not being there when the death happened. You may feel regret over "unfinished business" -- conflicts you and the deceased never resolved, or feelings between the two of you that were never fully discussed or shared. SADNESS You may experience a deep sense of loss. There may be moments when you find yourself at a loss for words, weeping, or bursting uncontrollably into tears. FEAR There may be anxiety or panic; fears about carrying on, fears about the future. If the person who died was an adult (partner, sibling, parent), it may bring up fears about your own sense of mortality or sense of being left behind. DEPRESSION You may go through periods of melancholy, or "blueness," where you feel inclined to withdraw or isolate yourself. You may lose interest in your usual activities, or feel helpless or hopeless. In addition to these stages, people who are grieving frequently experience physical symptoms, such as fatigue, sleep disruption, appetite changes, increased tension and numerous aches and pains. Grief can also affect you on a psychological level. Some of these common signs include feeling distracted, forgetful, irritable, disoriented, or confused. In healthy grieving, the tasks of mourning and completing one's grief come in several stages. The first is to accept and fully experience your loss, including feeling and expressing your pain and sorrow. Second, is to let go of your attachment to your loved one and your accompanying grief. Third, is to start to form new relationships or attachments in your life. This third phase is where you feel you are moving through our healing and recovery, and can start to develop new commitments and ties to people and activities.

http://death-response.chance.berkeley.edu/griefandloss.html
Article entitled: "Grief and Loss: When Someone Close Dies"

12.010212: Are you really depressed if you can act happy all the time?

Seeing a friend depressed is something that most of us all have to deal with. And considering a lot of the situations that occur these days that hurt us, being there for your friend is something that we all want to do to help them. The question is - what exactly do we do? Sometimes we feel hesitant or shy to approach someone in need because we're afraid that we'll say or do the wrong thing, and hurt them more. Though, we have to realize that when someone is depressed, the most precious thing they have or can hold on to is you, and you need to be there for them as much as possible. How do I know my friend is depressed? Depression is explained as the deepest crest of sadness. It usually occurs during drastic times of people's lives - after a loss (death, for example), relationship problems, school, grades, stress, etc. Anything can trigger depression - big or small. It depends on the person, the situation and the events that are happening within the person's life. You can notice the physical signs of a depressed person by passiveness, a change in habits or moods (lack of sleep or anxiety), attitude or mood swings or verbal notions. Sometimes people are good at hiding depression through 'acting' happy and being untrue to their emotions, or being over-emotional or sensitive. Depending on the current situation of their depression, there are a lot of ways of approaching someone and helping them. Generally, all situations of depression should be dealt with in an open-minded, understanding manor. Here are some pointers and tips on how to deal with a depressed friend. 1. Make sure they know you're always there for them - no matter what. There will be times when a friend is too scared, embarrassed or hesitant to talk about problems in their life. It may be because they don't know how to express their feelings, or they are afraid about what you will say when they tell you. Remember that you need to be there for them, no matter what. Make sure that they have your phone number at home, or a place they can contact you when they need to talk. Spend time with them to get acquainted with their problems. If they don't want to talk about it, then try to get their mind off their problems. Take them to a movie or out to eat or something that will help them refresh their memories and help them be rational. Make sure they know that, no matter what they say, you'll always be there to support them and help them with their decisions. 2. Try to notice cycles in how they approach their own depression. Many people have many different ways of approaching their own depression. Some people are very passive and like to bottle up their emotions. Sometimes, these people just need you to talk to them and take their mind of their emotions. You should never be forceful in trying to get a friend to tell you their feelings. There are also people who like to talk about their emotions. You should listen as much as you can and try to understand what they are feeling, so you can offer advice and help them out. 3. Always keep whatever they tell you confidential. Trust in important matters is very important. If a friend does not want their problems to be talked about amongst other people, and they make that really clear, than it is your responsibility to keep it contained. Of course, there are some cases wherein a friend may tell you something that is a matter that has to be told, or needs immediate attention from people who have more experience or know how to deal with delicate/harmful situations (i.e. suicidal attempts, drugs - anything to the immediate extreme). You must be careful in these types of ordeals, because your friend may be deeply hurt if you automatically go on and tell someone their problems. It may seem like the best way to go, but make sure you are delicate in coping with them, and that, if they are angry that you told someone, you convince them that it was out of concern and love that you told. 4. Get help from different sources. Sometimes, there are problems that we can't solve ourselves, and need a second opinion. You can suggest your friend to talk to an older adult, counselor or someone who has more experience in dealing with what they are going through. If they are not the type to do that, then you yourself should talk to someone to get an opinion that you can tell your friend. In most cases, you are probably going to be the only one they really listen to and confide in. 5. Don't be surprised if they appear unlike themselves. In some cases, friends may say or do things that are out of the ordinary. They may be more angry, passive or insulting. Realize that this may be their way of getting out their emotions. Be patient, kind and approach them cautiously but with care. Remember, it is unconditional love that truly heals friends in their most troubled times - being there for them is the best thing you could give them!

http://www.teenadviceonline.org/articles/depressedfriend.html

9.5% of American adults suffer from a depressive illness, most people with a depressive illness do not seek treatment, many people do not recognize they have depression or if they do they are not aware that it is a treatable illness. There are many types of depression: Major depression, dysthymia and Bi-polar disorder. If a person suffers from Bi-polar they experience cycling mood changes; severe highs and lows. A person that may seem happy all the time could just be experiencing extreme highs. Also, there are seasonal depression, a person can still suffer from depression, but only in certain seasons. ex: winter or cloudy days.

NIMH= The National Institue of Mental Health

12.01022: Is there scientific evidence that proves that there is such a thing as dying from a broken heart (lonliness)?

The answer to this question is an oxymoron because you absolutely can not die from loneliness itself but it very easily can be the biggest cause of death. What I mean is loneliness causes numerous other things to happen to the person in body and in mind. First of all there is a complete researched bereavement process that a person goes through. Basically the lonely spouse actually goes through physical grief by secreting a "stress hormone" called Cortisol and many of the bodily systems begin to shut down. Once these systems shut down it leaves the person much more vulnerable to be infected with some sort of disease. On the mind side of the situation the lonely spouse "will lose the will live."

http//:my.webmd.com

12.01023: Is there a connection between the death of parent following the death of a child in relation to the broken heart syndrome?

First of all, I want to say that I believe that this is an actual condition. Broken heart syndrome is taken seriously by many medical professionals... they are even doing research. I found some information from some of the more recent studies. It says that the broken heart syndrome predominantly occurs in middle-aged people that were previously healthy. Not everyone dies though. The death of a loved one tends to release some stress hormones and these act to stun the heart... resulting in a heart attack. There are two ways this could happen: one way is that the chemicals may cause a spasm in the coronary arteries, another way is more direct. The chemicals may just have a toxic effect on the heart muscle causing calcium overload and temperary dysfunction of the heart. This might not be a direct correlation between the death of a child and a parent, but it certainly should be taken seriously. I think it is shocking to anyone that loses a loved one, and it is possible for your body to express physically how you may feel emotionally.

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org

12.01024: You mentioned that the more you spend of a funeral, the quicker you get over or come to terms with that person's death.  Does that include the family, the people who know how much was spent or just the person who paid for the funeral?

12.01025: My uncle lost his mother about a year ago today. I know that he is having a difficult time dealing with this memory still.  I don't want to pretend that I don't know he is feeing bad.  What can I say to him...or should I say anything at all?

When dealing with a friend or family member who is grieving about the loss of someone close it is important to show your concern and that you care. When it comes to what to say or do to this person it can be hard for both people. If someone you know loses a close friend the worst thing you can say is that you know exactly how they feel. You do not know how they feel, you may have also lost a close friend, but you may have had a completely different relationship with that friend. Instead of saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” try saying, “I have also lost a close friend”. Sometimes it is not what you say but what you do that is most helpful for the grieving process. Giving a hug or holding the person’s hand is sometimes the best thing.

Dealing with Grief Jim Watkins http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/PrayerAndCounseling/PCC/Watkins_Grief.aspx

OR

If you don’t want to pretend that you don’t realize how he is feeling, then say something. Talking about the situation may be just what he needs to help him go through the griefing process, even if it has been a year. I would suggest that you don’t use sentences that leave no room for a conversation such as “I can tell your upset” or “I understand how you feel.” Instead try using sentences that open up room and allow a conversation to be formed, like “what was she like,” “this must be very painful for you,” and “how are you doing?” If he does decide to talk to you about this topic then it is best that you listen, sympathetically. Even after you intitate the conversation and he decides that he can’t talk about it, at least you tried. In addition, remember that actions are another way of speaking, meaning offering a hug or inviting him to lunch might also help him get through this difficult time.

http://www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/articledetail.cfm?id=991 by Victgor Parachin

12.01026: How do you help someone who is having a hard time with a friends death?

It is important to be there for your friend and allow them to take as much time as possible to grieve, there is no set amount of time in the grief period. Be there for your friend when they need someone to talk to, this is the most important. You may also want to suggest to them to write a journal to the deceased to express how they feel and finish any unfinished business. Inform your friend about bereavement support groups, many have found these useful. Time and patience are important factors in the coping process.

www.ivilliagehealth.com/experts/

emotional/qas.html

12.01027: How do you deal with someone who is depressed?

People that have a medical condition called depression can feel very sad or have no interest in activities or life altogether. In some cases, there is a specific reason or maybe it happens for no apparent reason at all.

One thing you can do for someone who is depressed is to find him/her the appropriate treatment. The following ways will offer emotional support:

1. acknowledge that the person is suffering

2. express affection, offer kind words, give compliments

3. show that you respect and value the person

4. help the person keep active and busy

Following are some things that you shouldn't do or say to your friend who is depressed.

1. Don’t expect the person to just "snap out of it"

2. Don’t criticize, pick on, or blame your friend for his/her behavior

3. Don’t say or do anything that might worsen your friend’s poor self-image

4. Don’t ignore any talk of suicide; notify a member of your friend’s family or his or her doctor immediately

"Understanding Depression". Zoloft.

http://www.zoloft.com/

12.01028: What do you recommend for someone who has lost a loved one but refuses to go to counseling?

After the article I read, I would recommend a few things to try. First, I would recommend that the person who lost a loved one to try to share their feelings with a person they trust, possibly a close friend or family member. Secondly, I would recommend that the person who lost a loved one to take time to sooth and rehabilitate themselves possibly by walking, massages, reading a good book, or do their favorite hobby regularly. In addition, to also find a way that allows that person to relax and slow down, this will allow the feelings felt during this time to be recognized and also released. Some things that might help this person relax and slow down could be to take a long bath, meditate, and possibly listening to some of their favorite relaxing music. Another method to try that may help a person with the lost of their loved one is to write in a daily journal or diary. While writing in this journal or diary I would also recommend the person try to be as honest about their feelings they feel during this moment in their life. Writing this all down will allow the person to actually explore and express their feelings, which can lead to comfort and may also help the person understand the situation. If they are having difficulties writing in the journal or diary there are actual journals and diaries available that help with grievance. These journals and diaries help with writing by giving topics to write about, and can be found almost at any book store. Lastly, it is important that the person should realize that there is no set amount of time it will take to fully recognize the lost, and they also should not feel pressured to get over this lost anytime sooner than the actual time they need.

http://www.roseindia.net/articles-directory/view-free-article/10507

12.01029: I can never understand why, when I was around 10, I attended a funeral with my parents.  I didn't know the person at all but I constantly cried (balled) for two hours!

12.01030: How do school's like the one in Colorado, help students deal with the loss?

The first and foremost thing would be the notification and announcement procedures. Get the facts!!! Verifying the death by contacting the family is important before providing postvention. Its important to get the facts as soon as possible to dispel any rumors that may spread. Remember to use age-appropriate language. The next step would be to get help! Contact the district administrators ASAP so they can be helpful in interacting with the media. Third, establish a calling tree. This should be used to notify district personal, as well as, teachers of a faculty meeting to outline postvention plans. If the death has occurred when school is in session then there should be a hand delivered memo to all teachers and the use of the announcement system to inform all students. The next step would be to notify the parents. This can be done by sending a letter home. This letter should encourage the parents to focus on the needs of their child and not on specific information about the deceased. Also stated in the letter should be what types of services at school are available to help students cope with the tragedy. The child should also be given permission to feel a range emotion. There is no right or wrong way to feel in a situation like this. To conclude, stated in the article I found there are many roles that a principal, counselor and Teacher provide. These are stated below. Principal's Role Direct intervention efforts Be visible, available, supportive and empower staff Provide direction to teachers about how much to set aside the curriculum. Tests should be postponed in some classes. Communicate with central administration and other affected schools Contact family of the deceased Inform staff and students about funeral arrangements Ensure that memorials are appropriate Counselor's/School Psychologist's /Social Worker's Role Be available Cancel other activities Locate counseling assistance (check community resources) Provide individual and group counseling Contact parents of affected students with suggestions for support or further referral Follow the schedule of the deceased and visit classrooms of close friends Support the faculty (provide counseling as needed) Keep records of affected students and provide follow-up services Teachers' Role Provide accurate information to students Lead classroom discussions that focus on helping students to cope with the loss Dispel rumors Answer questions without providing unnecessary details Recognize the varying religious beliefs held by students Model an appropriate response Give permission for a range of emotions Identify students who need counseling and refer to building support personnel Provide activities to reduce trauma, such as artwork, music and writing Set aside the curriculum as needed Discuss funeral procedures

National Association of School Psychologists http://www.nasponline.org/NEAT/neat_poland.html

12.01031: When you go to funerals, what is an appropriate saying to the signifcant other of the person who died...a saying that doesn't sound false?

I am so sorry. Tell me how I can help, I want to be here for you. I'm praying for you. Would it help if we prayed together? [Name of deceased] was a good person and friend of mine. He/She will be missed. Would you like a hug? Please tell me what you are feeling right now, I have never been through something like this and can only imagine. There is no right thing to say. Simply express your sympathies honestly in your own words. You can also sincerely say, "I am sorry for your loss. He/She will be missed What do you need right now? It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready. My sympathy to you and your family

http://www.thefuneraldirectory.com/say.html

http://dying.about.com/od/funeraletiquette/f/WhattoSay.htm

Most people don't know what to say to a person who has just lost a loved one. They might feel out of place or awkward. There are appropriate things to say to the person who has just lost. Not all the sayings have to be false sounding, even the smallest saying may help the person the most. Some sayings include: ~I am so sorry. ~Tell me how I can help, I want to be here for you. ~I'm praying for you. ~Would it help if we prayed together? ~[Name of deceased] was a good person and friend of mine. He/She will be missed. ~Would you like a hug? ~Please tell me what you are feeling right now, I have never been through something like this and can only imagine. ~What do you need right now? ~It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready. ~My sympathy to you and your family

http://www.thefuneraldirectory.com/say.html

12.01032: Are there support groups for the 'dying' or the 'grieving'?  

There are support groups listed in the local newspapers under meetings. In the fox valley area alone there are over twenty support groups. Everything from alzheimers to parkinson's. The internet has literally hundreds of groups.

Oshkosh northwestern griefnet.com

12.010321: Is death or grief counseling a lucrative business to get into?  If so, what credentials would someone need?

12.01033: My mom doesn't want to be shown at her wake.  She would rather have a nice picture put up.  I heard that seeing the body is crucial in the grieving process.  Could this be a bad choice for her family members and friends?

Viewing the deceased’s body is one of the most important things people can do psychologically. If people choose not to be shown, the psychological ramifications can be devastating for family and friends. Seeing the dead body is critical for people to begin acceptance of the death. Some people think looking at a dead body is somehow gross. However, the purpose of viewing the dead body is to allow our brains to acknowledge and recognize that someone has died. Showing pictures of someone’s life instead of showing the body is considered a memorial. With memorials, there is less confrontation with death. Without seeing the body, however, many people can be left with a doubt about whether the person actually died or not.

http://www.funeral.com 

http://www.funeralplan.com

12.01034: What is the best thing one could do for a grieving person?

People deal with grief in many different ways. The first important thing to do is to offer support and to let the grieving person know that if they need to talk that you'll be there for them. Another thing one can do the grieving person is to ask to help with daily living activities (ex. cleaning, laundry, ...).This is important because the grieving person needs to spend time with family members dealing with the loss and making future arrangements. Remember that this is a stressful time for the grieving person and anything you can do will be helpful.

Death, Society, and human experience pg.349-351

12.01035: How long might someone grieve for a pet?

The grief is often neglected and minimized because it isn’t a real “human being.” However, we need to realize that loss of a pet is loss of a family member and grief is a natural component of any loss. Working through our grief requires a focused process including the following steps:

1. Know what to expect through the grieving process.

Typical reactions to grief include those same reactions you would feel with loss of any friend or family member. If the death of the pet is unexpected, these feelings are intensified. These include: denial or isolation, anger, and depression. Working through this process may take weeks or even months. What many of us do not understand is that although we think we are “over” the death of a pet there may be period pangs of grief. This can happen when we look at adopting a new pet, come across an old item of the deceased or we see something else that triggers a memory.

2. Develop methods to help you to cope.

Reminiscing about pleasant memories you had with the pet helps most of us work through our grief

3. Recognize signs of recovery.

Source:

12.01036: My best friend died 3 1/2 years ago and I still have dreams with him in them...This makes me wake up and wonder, Is This Normal?

12.01037: Is it normal to not have or show feelings at a funeral and then feel bad afterwards that you did not show any?

The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you experience many different feelings. Many people report feeling a sense of numbness after first learning of death, but their is no real order to the grieving process. People experience denial, anger, confusion, shock, humiliation, sadness and even guilt. These feelings are normal and common reactions to the loss. It is very important to express your emotions. Often, death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to seperate yourself from the pain or ignore the feelings, but you cannot aviod grieving forever. Someday those buried feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.

http://www.crisiscounseling.com/TraumaLoss/GriefLoss.htm

12.010371: Is it normal to not be able to sleep after a person close to you has died?  How long does this usually last and is there anything that can be done to help?

Yes it is normal, it is called grief. Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of someone important to you. Grief is also the name for the healing process that a person goes through after someone close has died. The grieving process takes time, and the healing usually happens gradually. Although everyone experiences grief when they lose someone, grieving affects people in different ways. How it affects you partly depends on your situation and relationship with the person who died. Since everyone is different, how long it lasts also changes. To deal with this, some people reach out for support from others and find comfort in good memories. For some people, it may help to talk about the loss with others.

http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/someone_died.html

12.01038: How are you supposed to get over a friend who takes their own life?  I feel like there wasn't an 'end' to their life because it wasn't a natural cause or an accident?

About Suicidal Grief The loss of a loved one by suicide is often shocking, painful and unexpected. The grief that ensues can be intense, complex, and long term. Grief work is an extremely individual and unique process; each person will experience it in their own way and at their own pace. Grief does not follow a linear path. Furthermore, grief doesn’t always move in a forward direction. There is no time frame for grief. Survivors should not expect that their lives will return to their prior state. Survivors aim to adjust to life without their loved one. Common emotions experienced in grief are: Shock Denial Pain Guilt Anger Shame, Dispair, Disbelief, Hopelessness, Stress, Sadness, Numbness, Rejection, Loneliness, Abandonment, Confusion, Self-blame, Anxiety, Helplessness, and Depression. These feelings are normal reactions and the expression of them is a natural part or grieving. At first, and periodically during the following days/months of grieving, survivors may feel overwhelmed by their emotions. It is important to take things one day at a time. Crying is the expression of sadness; it is therefore a natural reaction after the loss of a loved one. Survivors often struggle with the reasons why the suicide occurred and whether they could have done something to prevent the suicide or help their loved one. Feelings of guilt typically ensue if the survivor believes their loved one’s suicide could have been prevented. Some Facts… A survivor of suicide is a family member or friend of a person who died by suicide. Survivors of suicide represent “the largest mental health casualties related to suicide” (Edwin Shneidman, Ph.D., AAS Founding President).There are currently almost 32,000 suicides annually in the USA. It is estimated that for every suicide there are at least 6 survivors. Some suicidologists believe this to be a very conservative estimate. Based on this estimate, approximately 5 million American became survivors of suicide in the last 25 years. 

http://www.suicidology.org

12.01039: My friends mother died of cancer 8 years ago. Her father remarried and she still cannot accept this marriage.  Could this be possible because of her mothers death and if so, how could she go about closure...8 years of grief?

Yes, it is very possible the reason she can't accept the new marriage is in large part due to her mothers death. What makes sense to the children is their mom and dad are together as one. Then, when the new woman comes into the picture, she is seen and as the replacement for the real mom, which really affects the child. When the father remarries it could unconsciously be giving the impression that "hey my dad has a new wife which means I have a new mom" An absence of her mom may be making her feel like this new woman is the replacement. The way she could go about closure and dealing with this is to talk to both her dad and step-mom about her trouble accepting their marriage and see if they can't come up with some boundaries. Maybe there are things her step mom does that make her feel like this is trying to replace her real mom. By talking with them about it, it will give her step mom an opportunity to explain herself and it will also give her a chance to see things from her parents POV. This may help her to understand the situation and cope.

Kayla Saiberlich, her mom died 8 years ago and had the same situation.

12.01040: How do you help people feel more comfortable talking, after they have suffered the loss of a loved one?

One should acknowledge their pain and support them in any way possible.Remember not to try and fix them or take their pain away. Be a good listener and just being their si sometimes the best thing one can do. Here is a good statement one can say to a person who has just suffered a loss; I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. Don't ask specific questions about their loss. This may cause some distress.

12.02001: My boyfriend’s wife died this past year. His nieces are 3 years old. My question, will they remember her or just her concept? How can we keep HER in their minds/thoughts? (Just keep her in conversations from time to time?) Or are they too young so they might forget her completely?

12.02002: When a parent dies, is it common for a child to have a problem with it for the rest of their lives?