The Risks of Getting Close
Getting close to others – sharing our joy, sorrow, needs, wants, affection, anger – is a risky business. We get scared, cautious and anxious if someone asks or gives too much of himself too fast. Sidney Jourard in The Transparent Self (1) speaks of the choice we have:
A choice that confronts every one of us at every moment is this: Shall we permit our fellow men to know us as we now are, or shall we seek instead to remain an enigma, an uncertain quantity, wishing to be seen as something we are not? This choice has always been available to use, but throughout history we have chosen to conceal our authentic being behind various masks. We usually assume that the other man is hiding or misrepresenting his real feelings, his intentions, or his past because we generally do so ourselves. We take it for granted that when a man speaks about himself, he is telling more or less than the unvarnished truth as he knows it. We conceal and camouflage our true being before others to foster a sense of safety, to protect ourselves against unwanted but expected criticism, hurt or rejection. This protection is purchased at a steep price. When we are not truly known by the other people in our lives, we are misunderstood. When we are not known, even by family, we join the all too numerous ‘lonely crowds.’ Worse when we succeed too well in hiding our being from others, we tend to lose touch with our real selves, and this loss of self contributes to illness in its myriad forms.
Why?
What is it that interferes with us getting close to each other? We all have a more or less common list of fears.
- First, we’re afraid of becoming known as we really are.
- We fear the risk of discovering an unknown part of ourselves through knowing another closely.
- We fear failure; we are uncomfortable being imperfect.
- We fear the risk of pain, hurt, and disappointment.
- We fear our personal freedom and independence will be infringed upon.
- We fear the moral judgment of our friends, family church, and the law.
- We fear that being warm, sensitive, caring, and responsive may be interpreted as being weak, inadequate, and dependent.
- We fear a society which stresses intellectualization, and materialism will be uncomfortable with spontaneous openness.
With all these fears being common ones they have common origins. Albert Ellis (2), a rational-emotive psychotherapist, believes that there are irrational ideas universally inculcated in Western society which seriously interfere with individual’s relations with themselves and with others. He believes we need to rid ourselves of the following illogical and irrational ideas and attitudes:
Illogical and Irrational ideas and attitudes that interfere with our relations:
- It is essential that one be loved or approved by virtually everyone in his community.
- One must be perfectly competent, adequate and achieving to consider oneself worthwhile.
- It is a terrible catastrophe when things are not as one wants them to be.
- Unhappiness is caused by outside circumstances and the individual has no control over it.
- One should be dependent on others and must have someone stronger on whom to rely. While we all are dependent upon others to some extent, there is no reason to maximize dependency for it leads to loss of independence, individualism and self-expression.
Our culture and society also conveys other messages which give rise to the fears of trusting ourselves with others. We learn we’re expected to suppress immediate feelings and express a rational view of a situation so others will be able to respond equally rationally. In other words, don’t rock the boat.
Society also gives us many motives for controlling the impressions others have of us. There are “rules” and “socially acceptable” ways of relating that really keep people apart from each other. Parents, too, deliberately or unaware, teach their children from birth how to behave, think, feel, and perceive. What they teach depends upon what they were taught.
Getting close is a very special relationship. It means you can need someone else and they can need you. It means when you feel discouraged or upset someone is there to comfort and care about you. It’s a relationship where the things that are most important are not those seen or said but those that are felt. It’s the ability to communicate through laughter, love, anger, spontaneity, respect, and an honest openness with each other. Experiencing closeness enhances faith in yourself, faith in others, and an ability to be faithful to others.
Trust is always a risk. The fears are there. But trust is internal; feeling trust inside ourselves makes it possible for us to say, “I want to get to know you. I’m willing to take the risk of you getting to know me.”
- Jourard, Sidney. The Transparent Self.
Princeton, N.J.: Van Nostrand, 1964. Pp. iii.
- Patterson, C.H. Theories of Counseling and Therapy.
New York: Harper and Row, 1966. Pp. 110-113.
by Dr. Marilyn Meyer