Listening is Vital
Stop Talking - you don’t listen when you are talking.
Understand the other person - try to put yourself in the other person’s place so that you can see what he/she is trying to get at.
Don’t speak too soon - don’t interrupt the other person; give them time to say what they have to say (write it down if you are afraid you will forget it.
Concentrate on what the other person is saying - actively focus your attention on the person’s words, ideas and feelings related to the subject.
Ask questions - to understand better - to clarify or when you want to show the other person you are listening.
Get rid of distractions.
Recognize your own prejudices or negative filters - try to avoid agreeing or disagreeing internally with the other’s message, listen for the ideas and viewpoint which have caused the speaker to hold his/her opinions, respond in a way that simply says the speaker has been heard but not judged
Get the main points - concentrate on the main ideas and not the illustrative material.
Avoid jumping to assumptions - they can get you into trouble in trying to understand another person.
- Don’t assume that s/he didn’t say what s/he meant, but you understand what s/he meant;
- that s/he is distorting the truth because what s/he says doesn’t agree with what you think,
- that s/he is lying because s/he has interpreted the facts differently than you,
- that s/he is unethical because s/he is trying to win you over to his/her point of view.
These assumptions may or may not be true, but they often get in the way of your understanding and reaching an agreement.
Let the speaker know that you have heard the message, ask for affirmation that you have heard it correctly.
Encourage the speaker to say more: use minimal encouragers, open ended questions.
The approach you take will determine the information you will receive. If you approach a conflict with a genuine concern to hear about the other’s issues, it is less likely that they will be defensive (restricting the information they give you, which may be useful in resolving the conflict.)