The Closet
How many times have you heard someone talk about “the closet” of “coming out of the closet” and wondered what it means? Well, wonder no more.
“Being in the closet” means simply giving no visible sign of your sexual orientation. This means not acting on any feelings and not talking about any part of your life directly related to your sexual orientation. The object of “being in the closet” is to make sure other people do not know your sexual orientation and do not wonder about it.
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Most of us like to think that who we are sexually bears very little relation to who we are socially or to how we do our jobs. We like to feel that we know how to use discretion in the workplace and wonder why others have to discuss their sexual orientation does affect many important aspects of our lives. It affects whom we choose to live with, how we spend our leisure time, and how we interact with others on a daily basis.
Do you want to find out how much your sexual orientation affects your daily life? Try living “in the closet” for a week and see for yourself.*Do all the things you normally do, except don’t do or say anything that reveals or alludes to your sexual orientation.
*Alternative exercise: Get into pairs and tell each other about how you spent yourself and how you spent your last weekend, but do not reveal the gender of your spouse/partner (if married or partnered), do not reveal if you are married, do not reveal if you have children, or whether you co-own your house with someone, etc.
Here is a partial list of topics you will need to avoid:
- Your spouse or partner. You may still live with him/her, but don’t let anyone else know you are a couple. People will assume you are single and try to fix you up with nice people for awhile. As you grow older they may assume you are lonely, incapable of long-term relationships, wary of commitment or have some major flaw that no one can stand. They may also start to wonder about your sexual orientation, so you may need a fake relationship (a cover).
- Pronouns that imply a couple (we, us, etc.). These are O.K. if you are talking about friends, but you can’t use them to talk about your personal life. Example: “I went on an ocean cruise with some friends—you don’t know them, nobody special.”
- Pronouns that identify the gender of your friend (partner/spouse in disguise). If people know the gender of the person you live with, they may get suspicious that you are a couple, even if you deny it. Better to stay gender neutral. Example: “My housemate’s away this week. It’s odd not having them around.”
- Your children or your spouse’s children. It’s hard to explain why you are co-parenting with a casual friend. It is even more difficult to pretend you are a single parent—better to just not mention it. If someone does find out, divert the conversation (without the other person noticing) before that someone starts to wonder.
- Your in-laws. This goes without saying. You may be meeting them for the first time or they may be living with you for years—just act casual. They are only the parents of a friend.
- Your house. What is someone with your income level doing with a mortgage of that size? Yes, people will wonder.
- Special events in your partner’s life. Your partner is being transferred as part of a big promotion. You can tell your employer and co-workers that you jut decided you might like to live in Cleveland.
- Vacation plans. Your co-workers know you don’t care for sports, so how can you tell them you’ve agreed to accompany a casual friend to Spring Training for two weeks.
- Any friends that have your sexual orientation. People may wonder why you are spending time with people of that sexual orientation, especially if your friends don’t hide as well as you do.
- Movies, books, TV shows, etc. that feature characters with your sexual orientation. People may wonder why you are interested in the lives of “those” people.
Of course, this is only a partial list. When you come right down to it, there are very few things in life that aren’t affected by sexual orientation. This is what makes living in the closet so difficult. Sure, it will always be safe to talk about the weather (except if the weather is affecting some activity you have planned with that special someone you’re not supposed to have), and you can listen to everyone else chat about their lives—just don’t add to the conversation from your own experience.
You will run a risk every time you talk about your life or respond to others from your experience: If you disclose too much, the other person may find out about your sexual orientation (which may mean loss of friend, job, family support, housing etc.). If you don’t disclose enough about yourself, there is no chance for true friendship, which means isolation from the people around you.
This is how it feels to be in the closet.
Developed by Jeanne VanBronkhorst