Anger Management
- You want me to do what? By when?
- What do you mean I can’t_______?
- Why doesn’t that jerk in front of me speed up? I’m going to be late.
- Doesn’t he realize I’m doing the best I can?
- Why didn’t she remind me it was her birthday?
- Do we always have to fight over who cleans up after the cat?
- Why doesn’t my daughter listen when I tell her to clean her room?
- You got a tattoo where?
- I’m going to shoot my computer.
Most of us experience countless similar situations on a daily basis. They are inescapable “facts of life” and they have the potential for triggering an angry response – from mild annoyance to furious rage. Over time chronic hostility may develop into a daily pattern of behaving. Thus, it is likely that how we deal or don’t deal with our anger can impact how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to others. What follows is an attempt to better understand anger and offer ways to improve our mastery over it.
Anger Defined: a feeling of displeasure or discomfort resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this feeling. (Webster’s New World Dictionary).
What we know from research about anger:
- Difficulty dealing with anger is at least a contributing, if not primary, factor in cardiovascular disease, obesity, low self-esteem, migraine headache, poor interpersonal relationships, and spouse and child abuse.
- Hostility unresolved in both men and women predict more severe coronary arteriosclerosis and higher death rates. Hostility can magnify the impact of blood cholesterol, thereby making a high cholesterol level even worse for a hostile person.
- For people who exhibit type A behavior-those who are tense, driven, competitive, and hostile – only hostility is the key predictor of coronary disease.
Is all anger bad?
Definitely not. Feeling angry can serve a number of useful purposes, depending on how we deal with it.
- Anger is an energizer or motivator. It gives us vigor, mobilizes the body’s resources for self-defense and provides us with stamina to overcome obstacles and achieve goals.
- Anger gives us information about people and situations; it serves as a cue to tell us that something unjust, frustrating, threatening, or annoying is going on. It can be a signal that tells us it is time to do something about our discomfort.
Anger becomes negative when it overrides our good judgment and causes us to say or do things without regard for consequences to ourselves or others. In general, it is a problem when it:
- is too frequent
- is too intense
- lasts too long
- lends to aggression
- disrupts work or relationships
- contributes to health problems
The effect of chronic anger is the same as flooring the accelerator of your car at the same time you are slamming on the brakes.
Do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when you are feeling angry:
- Do speak up when an issue is important to you.
- Don’t strike while the iron is hot.
- Do take time out to think about the issue and to clarify your position.
- Don’t use “below the belt” tactics – blaming, interpreting, analyzing, preaching, or ridiculing.
- Don’t make vague statements or requests, people can’t read your mind.
- Do try to avoid speaking through a third party, at least initially.
- Do take responsibility for your own part in creating or maintaining the situation that evokes your anger.
- Do listen – if someone is angry with you, listen to what they are saying.
- Do apologize – say you’re sorry, at least for your part in the conflict.
- Do choose to forgive yourself when you slip into old patterns; learn from your experience and get back on track.
Specific strategies that are proven to work:
- Study yourself. Become an expert on your own anger: determine what triggers your anger; are you angry a lot of the time?; how does it affect you – emotionally, physically, socially – and the quality of your life?; is it time for a change?
- Experiment with alternative ways of reacting. One source of possible ideas is to find a role model – a person who handles disappointment or frustration more constructively – and practice doing the same.
- Cool down. Taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, closing your eyes briefly – giving yourself the opportunity to relax in the face of anger can free you up to better determine what else, if necessary, might help to cope better.
- Change how you think. Look at your thoughts, attitudes, and expectations that contribute to your anger. Is your boss deliberately and unfairly targeting you with a lot of extra work or might it be a “crunch period” and he/she knows you can be counted on to do a good job? Viewing people or situations more realistically and less personally can prevent you from being angry in the first place.
- Address the situation directly. Identify what is really distressing to you and express your reactions in a non-defensive straightforward way to the person involved.
- Learn from your experience. As you test out new ways of preventing or dealing with your anger, determine what works by asking yourself ,“Am I reacting differently now? Am I less angry than I used to be? Do I feel better about myself? Are people noticing and commenting on how much more enjoyable it is to be around me?” If the answers are “yes”, then keep it up. If the answers are “no”, then keep experimenting. What have you got to lose?
If, in spite of your best efforts, you find yourself unable to improve your mastery over anger, you may wish to consider counseling. In some cases, anger is a sign of an underlying condition that may need to be resolved. The Counseling Center staff would be a good resource to find out more about what can be most helpful. If you would like more assistance or counseling, please contact the Counseling Center.
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Developed by Don Merz